Civilisation as we know it ENDS... The White Stuff

Suddenly no-one can drive, walk, work or anything... thank GOD the petrol station is still open selling cider.

Ironic how the people who were supposed to have originated from a hot country (but have realistically never seen it) can still manage to function and the rest of us can’t!

Yes I'm sure there is quite a lot of white fluffy stuff falling from the sky and lying on the ground, but in all seriousness, no-one is going to die except a few old people who have forgotten to turn the heating on and people in BMW's... a loss to society!? 

I THINK NOT!

The world is not enough, we must also cover it in white/ grey mush. I have to say that the effects of “global warming” are kind of ironic don’t you think?

Little Ice Age… I’m wondering what I’d like to be killed off in this one;

·        Snails- a pointless animal if ever I saw one, they are only good for creating future fossils anyway.

·        Jelly Fish – Do they even have a purpose but to create humour as people piss on themselves!? Ok so maybe they can stay.. that is pretty hilarical!

·        Rats- Even the super rats in Henley won’t be immune to an ice age!!

Frozen Cider

>))>

Trout

Only as old as the Man you feel?!

Try telling that to my stamina and aching bones!

Having reached the big 30 I actually thought that in comparison to most I was pretty fit… I live an outdoors lifestyle, I do a lot of sports; all be it that I sit in the office for 8 hours a day doing absolutely nothing…

(That’s physically and mentally)

However recently it has come to my attention due to a young man who has re-entered my life that I have in fact been LYING to myself.

My middle age spread (that I anticipate will be in full flow (towards my knees) by the time I’m 40) is in fact getting slightly flabby although it hides it well, there really is nothing underneath to support it! That is what I like to call inevitability.

I’m not one of these to worry about weight or January Diets.. or anytime of the year really.

Diets are a waste of time and energy - exercise and stop eating Haribo!

A little tone to the “muscles” and more than 5 seconds of energy is definitely going to come in handy though otherwise I will have had a heart attack before my middle aged spread fully kicks in!

Could this be a good thing!?

While sipping coffee at the AARP convention, Dr. Ruth advised seniors to experiment with new ways of intimacy, telling the crowd that orgasms are good. Masturbation is good. “Read about sex, enjoy intimacy, buy a good vibrator.”

                                    

So are you as old as the Man you feel?!

No but they are still pretty damn good, so go for it anyway!!!

You only live once and you might as well drown trying >)))>

Older but still Trout

Customers....

Somehow, it doesn't matter what your trade is, customers are the bane of your life!!

I've done a fair amount in my life and customers always some fishy tail as to why they should have their Meal refunded in a restaurant, or the sign I put up last week on the freeway fell over and crushed a truck causing a 10 car pileup, and it is all my fault so I need to fix it for free.

FREE BEE’S, seriously I’ll set my bee’s on you in a minute, and no when you go into anaphylactic shock I will not be there to assist… it’s a chargeable service and I can guarantee you won’t pay it or will be pissed off with the fact I stuck the needle in your eye not your arse.

When I start a charity you’ll be the first person I notify.

Fintastic Scales <(((((< 

– support the children with their Drama society in Nigeria.

YES HONESTLY it is a real charity… here are my bank details, please transfer your life savings here:

12345678

12-34-56

(if anyone actually does this you may be paying a total random… please do not be a dumb arse and make them rich and then call me because the customer service at your bank is carp I have had enough of people whining today)

Speaking of Customer Services… now those people have the patience of a saint…

Man:   “I want to return these shoes…”

Rep:   “why is that sir?”

Man:   “Well I thought these heals were a size 10, but they      don’t fit!”

Rep:   “yes sir they are a woman’s size 10”

Man:   “I’m a man, and they were falsely advertised I want a refund”

Who couldn't have cracked up at that?!?!?

I’m a relatively patient person, but next time I will make sure I have hung up before I announce EXACTLY what I think of the person at the other end… WHAT A WANKER!!!

Customer: “Well; why don’t you say how you really feel?!”

Trout out

>))):>

(that’s a flat fish)

10 things I hate about Christmas

Christmas comes at the same time every year to bring doom and gloom into peoples lives "it's all about giving" which basically means that people wonder why they have nothing?!

BECAUSE IT'S ABOUT GIVING NOT TAKING YOU CRETIN.

None the less, through all of that giving, there are more deaths as the cold weather creeps in and the government don't give old people enough in their pensions so that they can put heating on (or they've forgotten because they really should have been dead years before) so they freeze to death in their ancient armchairs

I hate Christmas because:

1. People put tree's up and play Christmas songs in NOVEMBER.... you know who you are (McSchmazel)
2. You wear a Red Coat "oooo aren't you getting all festive!!" No I'm bloody not, the coat I liked happened to be in Red so I purchased it.
3. That bloody coke advert.
4. The thought of Toenail buying a party dress for the festivities... just put tinsel on a tent, it'll be much cheaper and you'll still be a Munter.
5. The talk of Snow and having a White Christmas...
   A. Realistically its only the coke heads that will enjoy that one... and I'm not referring to the advert.
   B. Snow is not a good thing, supermarkets are emptied from Morons "stock pilling" food and everybody forgets that they know how to drive.
6. Eggnog .. What the fcuk is it anyway.... all I can picture is Jackass and the amount of sick that was spewed when they tried to eat millions of hard boiled eggs... in fact I can smell the result


7. The festive real tree fake tree argument! WHO CARES!??!
8. Police being everywhere and people forgetting how to drive.
9. Holly. It's just a violent tree that isn't a Christmas tree.
10.The justification of behaving like a total COCK because you are "just a big kid and it's Christmas!"
DO ONE!

Christmas Fishes to you all...

Drinking Mulled Wine.

Trout
>)))))>

I've already forgotten

It's been 6 months since my last confession...

So, it has arrived; I'm nearly 30.

A few people I know have already hit 30 and have said "its not too bad, but I can't remember much of it" which bodes well really for early onset of Oldtimers!

With old age mixed with a light infusion of cider, I'm pretty sure I can filter my brian to forget how to count.

Having said that, I'm pretty glad that I'm not still 20 these days. 

20 year olds:

• already feel old when they go out clubbing surrounded by 14 year olds!
• already look like Mutton dressed as Lamb
• probably haven't seen their own face for at least a decade due to the amount of makeup worn

I am beyond feeling old and under-dressed (with the preference obviously already being a lovely warm woolly cardigan curled up on the couch with a can of Strongbow, my favorite book and my reading glasses (where did I put those again?))and make up is something I frequently leave the house without having forgotten to put it on!!

Here's to being ancient and to having an excuse not to remember things!!

Amen

Trout <((((<

PROFESSIONALISM.....

With the Christmas Party looming... and no I’m not going for several reasons:

1)      With the new company anti binge drinking policy’s they are not providing any alcohol... Seriously?! Is there ANY other reason to go to a work Christmas party??!!

2)      Who wants to socialise with people they work with?

3)      The last outing was disastrous and I am still actively living the life of a hermit...

4)      And finally..... who wants to socialise with people they work with!?

So... as I was saying with the DULL Christmas Party looming, spirits are high in the office with the exception of McSchmazel, who has recently decided to leave the orgnaisation to pursue bigger and better things... oh and to get away from the TOENAIL (thus named because she is so far up the boss’s arse it’s all you can see of her)

McSchmazel this morning finally decided that she’d had enough of toenails toenail always pointing at her, resulting in her having an adult conversation with the boss man about the injustices in the world and how to improve the work environment for future employees... ok so that’s not exactly how it panned out :S

Beginning with a relatively innocent comment of “everything alright??”

“No!! no actually it’s noT!”

The poor bloke seriously had NO idea what he was letting himself in for:

Screaming, spitting and crying with a healthy mixture of snot she ranted on and on at an incredibly shocked Boss!!! “Fcuking Promoted!!?? SHE thinks she will get promoted before me?! Her head is SO FAR up his fcuking arse she probably will be just because she won’t actually be able to extract herself from him to NOT go to meetings” and as the hysterics and emotions escalate: “and I doubt very much I’ll be able to go to the Christmas party because with a few drinks under my belt I’m likely to punch her fcuking head in!!!” *Sniff* as the rant continues without a breath being drawn “and I’ve been told I’m not too upset her!??! Upset HER!! I’ll not upset her, I’ll bloody KILL HER!”

Silence in the rest of the office, because meeting room walls aren’t exactly scream proof...

I’m thinking that she’s likely to get a very good reference to ensure that she actually leaves the organisation.

Battersea Hound and more

Having eaten another pair of shoes in the night, he refused to take a dump this morning... perhaps stilletoes don't come out as well as they go down!?

Expecting this to be delicately deposited on my lounge carpet when I get home from work. Oh Joy.


The "Darling Neighbours" have decided that as this clearly isn't a darling area they are going to up and move. joy for us as parking wars will be seriously reduced.

Why is it that they always build newer houses with 1 car parking space when the average household has 3 cars!? don't they read those ridiculous polls they make us fill out every year?! May as well be doing it on Facebook... and yes my religion is still Jedi.
- Further waste of my precious time. Every second I spend doing that I lose a little bit more of myself!

Meanwhile the Vaccume packed pork hock's sausage continues to park behind my car. I'm far too stubborn to put a note on his car so I'm going to quietly seethe with anger about his imminent demise as I stab him in the neck with a hoof pick.

N.B in the absence of a hair tag I have tied my hair back in a knot.

- Pint required tonight.